Life is full of changes, some good, some bad, some that happen, some that require a leap, whether it’s a push or voluntary.
Change of the forcible kind hit me last week when the world jolted off its reassuring axis and crashed.
I have a fantastic blue-sky pendant made by a local silversmith-artisan-beautiful-person that is stamped on the back: “Freedom lies in being bold.” I bought it last year after looking at it and thinking about it, right before my trip to Montana, during which I crammed in two drive-throughs of America’s oldest national park and a friend’s wedding in one of the perfect places on Earth and my PZP training.
I wear it to try to be bold … wishing I could be as bold as it suggests. Knowing I fall well short of the mark. I wear it for courage, to take in the power of sunshine in the heavens … and I needed every ounce last week. His was more than mine.
I simply cannot – and so often don’t try to – express my gratitude enough that so many people love and enjoy the mustangs of Spring Creek Basin. Through ups and downs, amazement and sorrow, pain and frustration and the greatest joy I’ve ever known, I am grateful to all of you for coming along on this journey with me. For those of you I’ve met, for those of you I’ve met only through comments and emails, for those of you I’ve never met but have met the horses, fallen for them, tumbled head over heels for these incredible beings that live so simply, that have stirred the national conscience about what’s right and wrong with how we treat animals, each other, all our neighbors on this big blue round rocket in the infinite every-sphere we call home.
I am a loner. Pure and simple, I am the lonest of lone wolves. After almost four years of visiting the horses almost weekly, I finally realized one day this spring during a peaceful pleasant daydreaming hill-time with Alegre’s family (before Aurora’s arrival) that I think of myself as neither lonely NOR alone (“alone but not lonely”). I mean, duh. I’m with the horses.
But I love sharing them. With people. With YOU. Whether I know you or not, that you know the horses brings me the most incredible joy. When I’m not ranting (to myself) about the ills and craziness of the world (Norwegian dude goes and bombs people, then spends an hour and a half shooting people – KIDS?! – while dressed as a cop?!), near and far, I am thinking about how to share the beauty of their world, them, the beauty of a particular place and beings in the world that I have come to know so well, want everyone to love as much as I do.
Sometimes, bad, horrible, awful, hurtful things just happen. No one is at fault, the world won’t end, most of the world won’t even know about it. But he was here and real and living and breathing and traveling and touching my life (heart, with his, huge) and that of others and beautiful and doing what he did, and he is gone, and though my heart has shattered (again), it is already healing with the help of what is left behind – those he knew and who knew him – and thought of him: loved.
Not yet … not yet …
I am an independent sort, and one of my biggest frustrations in this life is the need to rely on others for certain things – things that rarely get done as well as I think I could do them – if I could. Physically? No. The “yes you may” kind of being able to do what needs to be done. Permission. Allowance.
Because that’s the way of it.
It comes full circle in waiting for bureaucracy.
But sometimes, even in the most bureaucratic of bureaucracies, things get done because they must – because to do the thing is the right thing to do. I witnessed that last week, and it gave – gives – me hope.
Remember that when I found Hook’s band without Ember’s new foal – Indy – Twister also was missing? I thought he’d turn up. I thought he’d be with the youngsters or with Duke or maybe Sundance. I thought he’d be fine.
He did turn up. He wasn’t fine.
He was way up the hill above Wildcat Spring – near the place where I first visited with Indy – and he was hurt. Badly, horribly, no-turning-back hurt. He had lost a lot of weight. I don’t know when he’d had his last drink of water.
Some would tolerate that suffering. Some would not, and they came in the morning and freed a beautiful wild soul in the last – best – compassionate act they could perform for him. For that, they have my eternal gratitude.
Sometimes, you do need someone else, who not only has permission but ability – and the compassion to do what must be done – and well.
I know this has been a rambling post, off-kilter with things seemingly unconnected. I could have listed the things I knew about Twister – orphan, maybe a sire, probably a brother, definitely a son, a young stallion looking for his own family. A fuzzy little odd-colored colt with a wonky knee who adored a filly named Two Boots who took his son/brother under his wing and who grew into a silver reflection of our great stallion Traveler.
But that’s only what I knew. He was so much more. They all are. And that’s why we fight for them – for what we k-n-o-w, for all that we don’t know anything at all.
Now he’s always free. Always home. Always with us. Always ours.
And for what we knew, I’ll keep bringing you the stories I know, theirs to share with the greater world, so we know a little more beauty, to counter a little more of the hell we read about every day.
Fly now with angels …